DEAL OR NO DEAL: The follow up

The following is all true and no embellishment was necessary because, well, it's Italy :)
Key Code: Yellow,things that would never be heard said in a US dentists office or in any other dentists office.

I was late. Not that late, but fashionably, Italian late to my 11:30 appointment this morning with the Dentist. I woke up late, mainly because those damn sleep drops either didn't work or I didn't read the directions properly( which is the more likely) and it was 4 am before I fell asleep.

I could have rushed out and been on time but I've been trying to make more of an effort on the cute front these days, so I was late. I rushed in and swung the door open only to realize I had smashed it into the person behind the door. Mi dispiace! Mi dispiace! ( I'm sorry) Non ti ho visto ( I didn't see you).How could I see him, he was behind the door, hanging a diploma, his diploma, he being the son.
He said, niente (no problem ) and smiled and I swear his teeth actually sparkled, ting!

I tried not to seem flustered but suddenly I heard some twisted version of the song "Son of a Preacherman", in my head " The only boy who could ever teach me was the Son of a Dentistman" and instantly turned into Marcia Brady from that episode when she falls in love with her dentist.

Unfortunately I was there to see the banker, I mean the dentist from yesterday, his dad, who was waiting for me. After I apologized again and he made some lame joke about having to reschedule and then he showed me in of course stopping at the blue shoe bag machine. I took my camera out and took a pic as I stomped my foot in, then I heard the Dr," what are you doing? " I answered,"I'm taking a picture" to which he said, " Of what your sexy feet?" Now I've probably been here too long because all I thought was, really? my feet are sexy? cool.

I'm settled in the chair and doc asks what are we doing today. I tell him just the bonding of the 2 teeth. He seems disappointed I am passing on the bite plate and I tell him I just can't do it right now ( it's my 3rd one) he says,"well I can make it for you now but you can pay me in September or October." Can you imagine, in the US a dentist telling you that , with no deposit or letting you walk out of the office as I did yesterday as a first time patient without paying and only leaving a partial address, no phone number, no I.D. The honor system is alive and well in Firenze it seems. Still even with a delayed payment plan I pass.He told me I needed 3 teeth done but he will give me a deal today 3 for the price of 2. Fantastic!
Conversation snippets and such over the next 45 minutes ( which seemed pretty speedy for bonding teeth to me) went like this.

Fidanzato: ( Fiance') While looking in my mouth the Dr. says," Your fiance will be happy." ( I think to myself, I don't have a fiance, I don't even have a boyfriend, what's he talking about) I said, "I have no fiance'", he says," of course you don't, look at your teeth, no one wants to kiss those two teeth. But afterward with the better teeth your new fiance' will be happy." I figure GREAT! better teeth and a boyfriend ( is your son available?) He continues," and he will want to kiss you all the day with your beautiful mouth and beautiful teeth ( actually he said it in Italan, bellissima boca e denti belli). Will you be happy with your new fiance'? I told him of course and then said, " But you know who will be happier than me?" he said chi (who) and I told him, mia mama! Well it seems mama humor translates.

The mouth vaccuum: He starts prepping the dental tools and informs me that we will go without numbing today because he does not believe I need it. Really? Really? my mouth is killing me and you are going to be poking around in there, yes I need it. He assures me  I do not. Why? Because he says," I am gentile with the women, I know the womens teeth." He starts sanding or something and I am choking and I wave my arms and ask where is the mouth vacuum, the thing that sucks the stuff out of your mouth and he says," It is the fault of my assistant, she does not love me"  at which point he yells, DANIELLA! and tells her he needs the suction.

MUSICAL BREAK: Dr. sings " What a beautiful mouth, la, la la, What horrible teeth, la la la"
* Note: I have perfectly straight teeth, have never had braces!

Color choices: As he is working on my teeth he asks, "If I can not get the color exact do you prefer a brownish/ gray tone or would you prefer clear" WTF is he talking about and I shot him a look because his hands were in my mouth. He said, Oh I think you prefer clear, your mind has no secrets from me, I know everything you think, so be careful what you think about Rachael"

The assistant is now back in the room and standing next to me with some sort of laser or something. He is doing his dental thing and then he says what I think is BITE. So I close my mouth a little and I hear BITE so I chomp down and he says OUCH!!! RACHAEL! WHY DID YOU BITE ME??? He is shaking his hand, WHY , WHY DID YOU BITE ME????  And his tools are still in my mouth and I wave my arms so he will take it out so I can talk. I am laughing and apologizing at the same time. He didn't say BITE he said VAI , which means go, do it and he was talking to the assistant to hit the resin with the laser VAI!! OMG I was horrified, I bit the dentist.

I am happy to say it did not kill his wacky mood. The assistant is now in place as she is constantly hitting the laser when he says vai, and I didn't bite him again. Instead, I watched like a ping pong game the conversation between him and the assistant that is the same conversation I hear while waiting 15 minutes on line behind someone at the grocery store, the post office, the cafe. The conversation that tries every bit of patience of an American while waiting to pay for something in Italy. The conversation of the person in front of you and the cashier. Well my dentist and his assistant were having the same conversation, how is your family, how do you think about the weather? how is the panini at that new cafe that opened up? blah blah blah . Italian small talk.

Finally he is finished and when he clears everything from my mouth I ask ,"who's Rachael? He says, Rachael? Yes, who's Rachael? Non ho capito ( I don't understand) " I said," Chi Rachael? You kept saying Rachael" and then it dawned on me, He was calling me Rachael. I said, " My name is not Rachael" He said, "It's not?", and I said," No it's ANDREA!!" and that's why I bit you :)

I paid and as I left he yelled after me, " Ciao Bella!!! Rachael, remember we close on July 27 and do not open again until Sept 5" and I thought of course you do it's AUGUST in ITALY!