Wednesday, July 13, 2011

DEAL or NO DEAL: The Dental Edition

So I just walked in from the dentist. I have been to doctors here in Italy before like the time I ended up in the ER in Rome with horrible stomach cramps to have the attending (and I'm pretty sure the janitor who was assisting her, he was sweeping before she called him in the room) tell me "hai troppo caca", that basically I was full of shit. This however was my first trip to the dentist and since I have another appointment tomorrow, not my last.

Here's the deal, I am a self proclaimed hypochondriac. It's not normal hypochondria , it's Jewish mother propelled hypochondria, the very worst kind. It runs rampant in Jewish families ( especially those from NY & NJ). It could have something to do with the mother constantly saying," go to the docta!!" I'm not the only one, both my sister and brother are afflicted with this, I'm not as bad as they are because I don't use Web MD, that would just put me over the edge. I love how my mom always says, " I don't know why all you kids are like this!", Ummm........ maybe because we have a neurotic mother? Just a guess.

Anyhoo, I'm a teeth grinder in my sleep, numerous bite plates later, none of which have helped and I have turned the backs of my 2 lower bottom teeth into razors which are cutting my tongue at night. Sounds grosser than it is, that said, it's making me CRAZY!! I go back to the States in 3 weeks for a visit and a trade show and have already made an appointment with my dentist but this morning I couldn't take it and with mom in my ear " go to the docta!!!!" I buckled, called and got an appointment for this afternoon with a dentist.

The dentist is part of a father/ son practice and the younger has his masters in dentistry from University of Michigan so I figured it was a safe bet. The father dentist ( who I saw) did speak English ( kind of) , his staff however did not, I was able to bumble through. What I was not able to bumble through was the 10 pages of medical history in Italian, and for some reason all those diseases sound scarier in Italian, so I just filled in my name, address and birth date and called it a paperwork day.

The dental assistant calls me back and right off the bat asks me to place my foot ( with flip flop) in a metal shoebox of sorts with blue plastic in it, so I did. She said, "piu' forte!" ( harder, and made a stomping motion) I stomped! "piu' forte! (and I stomped)  PIU' FORTE!!!!" Finally I heard a BRAVA because I now had a blue plastic shoe cover like the surgeons wear on my left foot. I got the right foot on the first try.

Gotta say the doc was very nice even if he thought I was nuts. Super quick dental exam, no poking with metal tools, a quick spritz of air and a peek in my mouth, a few xrays and a rinse, exam done. Good news, even with all that gelato I eat, no cavities, and I have young, healthy teeth and mouth bones. Bad news, yes, my teeth from grinding at night have turned into, in his words, not mine, the tools with which you cut the meat.( I know there is a joke in there but I'm not touching it)  :) Like little knives those two teeth are he said.

He suggested I get a bite plate, I told him I had one and produced it from my purse at which point after looking at it he literally, no joke, threw it in the trash bin. He took it back out ( it was for theatrics) and said I may as well throw it away, it was terrible ( I paid 500 US for that terrible bite plate, but he was right). I need a new one AND to bond the backs of the two little knives in my mouth. OK, well what's this gonna cost me because I have no dental insurance here ( or in the States, I know, I know). He tells me he doesn't like money, he will send the assistant in to discuss money with me ( the assistant who speaks no English).

The assistant comes in and rattles off a bunch of stuff and then a price. I couldn't have heard her correct, could I have?  Ripeta (repeat) I say, and she repeats, I heard right 1,050.00 Euro, that's about 1500 bucks!! For what!! in between my laughter I ask ( that you have too much shit ER visit was 40 Euro!!)

Bite Plate  500 E
Bonding 180E per tooth = 360E
Teeth cleaning 100E
Visit + Xrays + the mouthwash to rinse while I was in the chair ( following "paying for your shampoo at the salon" rule)  90E

Well that's not happening. Not today. And so begins a game of deal or no deal.

Me: Doctor, how much just for today's visit, exam and xrays?

DR. I don't like to talk money, I don't like money. ( Uh, well you do cause you just quoted over 1,000 Euro!!)

Me: Ok, but if you did like money, how much?

Dr. 170 E

Me: But in the breakdown it was 90E?

Dr. Siiii, but that is with the bite plate discount

Me: OK, but I can't spend 700 dollars on a bite plate today

DR: It is only 500

Me: Yes, but in crappy US dollars it's 700

DR: Yes, I see your problem, we take the teeth cleaning away less 100 E

Me: Yeaaaah.... still can not

DR: So you just get the two teeth fixed today, OK?

Me: How much for that?

DR: How will you pay

Me: Visa

DR: 400 E ,200 per tooth

Me: What happened to the 360 E, 180 per tooth

Dr: That's the discount if you pay in cash

Me: Hmmmm

He could see my nerves becoming frayed. He asked why am I so nervous? DUDE! I'm nervous cause I'm on a budget and my teeth hurt!!! It's at this point where he prescribes 2 different drops for me. The first one I use at night, 10 drops on my tongue 1 hour before bed, he said he gives it to his wife and her nervous friends." What is it? It relaxes you. Oh, like a xanax? Yes, like xanax but also to help you sleep." Alrighty then! He then tells me, " the second drop use when you wake up if after the night drops you feel not relaxed . Put 15 drops on your tongue, or maybe only 11 drops or maybe you will need 12 drops. You must try different amounts to see what is right, what is not too much." I ask how will I know if its too much and he replied in very technical medical terminology, " If you feel blahhhh, lala, then that is too much" It's like freakin St John's Wort Russian Roulette I'm gonna be playing with these drops!

We finally come to an agreement that I will make a tentative appointment for tomorrow for the bonding but will think about it tonight ( I wanted to call the dentist back home and see how much it cost there) and will hold off on the bite plate for now. I go to checkout, my bill 170 E for today and then I hear him tell the staffer something, oh, I'm getting a discount tomorrow if I decide to bond the teeth even if I use the credit card, 360 E for both teeth.That's the bankers or should I say dentist's final offer. Ok, well I'll pay for today now and she says no you can pay tomorrow.

As I walked out I realized I just said DEAL because I have to go back tomorrow either way to pay him for today and once I'm in there with the blue plastic shoe covers on there will be no escaping.

To be continued......... (and I'm bringing the camera!!)

5 comments:

  1. PIU FORTE! LOL!!!! I have seen one of those only one time. It is kinda wild. I am a teeth grinder too,,,must be the artistic side of us?Can't wait for day two!

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  2. Theresa, I have never seen that before! It's a great idea, very sanitary, but I found it very funny, I need a photo. Yeah,it's true I know alot of artists that grind, must be all that angst :)

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  3. Hilarious! I grind my teeth too and have a bite plate, but rarely remember to wear it. I think it cost something like $300 WITH my insurance. But sometimes (like this morning) I wake up with a headache so I know I need to wear it.
    That sounds really expensive for there. Maybe find another dentist or wait until you come home?

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  4. Hilarious post Andrea! Ask him how much if you paid cash with NO fattura (since you won't be able to claim it anyway)maybe that way he'll give you an extra sconto.

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